Sibling Abuse or Rivalry: Ways to Recognize and Prevent Abuse in a Home Setting

(HealthNewsDigest.com).. PLANO, TEXAS – May 22, 2006 – Not a lot of parents or teachers know to look for it, but sibling abuse affects 50 percent of all children. With sibling homicides making up one percent of all cases in the last decade according to the FBI, sibling abuse is probably more common than child abuse by a parent or spousal abuse. Most of us look at adults as the dangerous or aggressive members of American families, but children are actually the most violent.

There are large differences between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry, or fighting. Fighting is natural in children’s relationships with each other and children often fight to gain attention or because of their lack of social experience. Sibling rivalry often centers around a child’s view of a parent or guardian as a possession and their desire for the care giver’s attention, while sibling abuse is dangerous and pulls in others as unwilling participants.

Some ways to help distinguish between sibling rivalry and abuse include asking yourself the following questions about your children’s relationship:

“The best way for parents to find answers to the questions above is to build a positive relationship with their children and among their children,” said Susan Fletcher, Ph.D. a psychologist and author of the book Parenting in the Smart Zone. “If parents teach and exhibit supportive communication while focusing on each child’s unique talents, they can build a bond with their children that can allow open lines of communication with them in the future.”

To combat typical sibling rivalry, parents should avoid comparing their children and use positive reinforcement for the children when good, cooperative behaviors are exhibited. Establishing steadfast rules to govern fighting, while teaching children to problem solve can help keep sibling rivalry under control.

“I also urge the parents I see to not get involved in their children’s conflicts unless it escalates to a point beyond control,” said Fletcher. “When parents get involved in their children’s arguments, or allow their children to fight in front of them, they are forced to take sides, which often creates more rivalry in future situations.”

When fighting escalates to abuse, a victim often pulls away from the family because of shame or fear and he or she may completely avoid the sibling exhibiting the abusive behavior. Often children who are victims of sibling abuse show distinct changes in behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits or have repetitive nightmares. A child who pretends with abusive play or acts out in sexually inappropriate ways may possibly be dealing with the effects of being abused themselves.

“The largest enabler of sibling abuse is a sibling that is given too much responsibility,” said Fletcher. “Often, an older child is given the responsibility of caring for a younger sibling before they are actually mature enough to do so. This can cause them to act out in what they view as ‘adult behaviors’ and emotional or even physical abuse can be the result.”

When it comes to sexual abuse, children who witness or experience this type of abuse, or have access to pornography run a much higher risk of becoming abusers themselves. When coupled with neglect or lack of supervision, these behaviors often begin to be played out on younger siblings. A lack of sex education also keeps children from learning to express their changing sexual feelings or physical development in age appropriate ways and can lead to sexually intrusive behaviors.

“It sounds a little counter-productive, but children who aren’t allowed to play with peers or are involved in a rigid family structure which doesn’t allow them to date, dance or socialize outside of the home may often act out their pent-up sexual feelings by becoming abusive to their sibling or siblings,” said Fletcher.

Again, supervision is the key to preventing and recognizing sibling abuse. Parents should also closely monitor their relationships with their children and set aside time to engage each child, individually, on a daily basis. Parents should be willing to talk about sex with their children and begin conversations of respect for their own bodies and others at an early age. Supervision also extends to the monitoring of a child’s media consumption, as overly violent or sexual programs can often lead a child to explore the behaviors.

“Above all, parents should listen to and believe their children if accusations are made, said Fletcher. “Often parents don’t stop a child when violence occurs because they assume it is accidental. While denial doesn’t cause sibling abuse, it may contribute to its continuation.”

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