The computer is a tantalizing 21st century ''sex toy'' that looks benign but can explode like a land mine, trashing the private and work lives of a surprisingly large number of Americans, says psychologist Kimberly Young.
Contrary to popular belief, cybersex addiction isn't a problem restricted to lowlife losers you'd never want to know, Young reports. She has counseled several thousand couples over the past seven years at her Center for On-Line Addiction in Bradford, Pa. Her clientele is loaded with lawyers, doctors, CEOs and elected officials. ''These are people who go to church every Sunday,'' she says.
At least 200,000 Americans have a cybersex addiction, says psychologist Al Cooper of the San Jose (Calif.) Marital and Sexuality Centre. Cooper, an expert in Net sexual behavior, bases this estimate on recent national surveys he has done.
So how do all these people get into trouble with cybersex? Young's new book, Tangled in the Web: Understa nding Cybersex From Fantasy to Addiction (1st Books Library) is a ''let me count the ways'' of how it happens and what adults can do to regain control of their lives.
Several years ago, cybersex mostly meant glancing at pornographic pages on Web sites. Now, countless erotic chat rooms beckon. They offer instant partners for mutual fantasies, intensified by Webcams that deliver images of the virtual lover's body. Streaming video of sexual material is widely available. There are live sex shows broadcast online.
It's all too easy to stumble across, Young says, and after such a habit takes hold, it's tough to quit. ''The Net is the crack cocaine of sex addiction,'' she says.
Sexual addicts are increasing, U.S. therapists agree. Chalk it up to what Cooper calls ''the triple-A engine'': access, affordability and anonymity. You don't need to slink around bars or in tacky parts of town, risking discovery.
About 10% of people who engage in sexual activities online would be addicts even without the Net, Cooper's research suggests. They're pedophiles or they compulsively have affairs.
An additional 20% start out dabbling, but may get drawn in and wouldn't have developed a sexual addiction without the Net, Cooper says.
About 70% are just ''recreational'' users; it's like glancing at a lingerie catalog or Playboy -- appealing, but not essential.
Therapists don't define addiction by number of hours at the computer. Addicts can't control their habit, and it interferes with their personal or work lives.
Cybersex addicts typically have unmet sexual needs, although their lives may look good to outsiders. They have often grown up in strict families that repressed sexuality, Young says. Adults with a history of other addictions seem to be vulnerable. And midlife is prime time for sexual adventures, she says.
Raymond, a 58-year-old client of Young's, is a successful executive at a Fortune 500 company. He donned the cyber-fantasy persona of a buff 20-year-old college student, even posting a bogus photo of himself. He attracted countless women. But he has ''an imagination that is way too wild for the lifestyle I lead,'' he told Young. Raymond says the Net experiences make him feel young, although they're starting to disrupt his work and home life.
Craig, a 53-year-old computer executive, felt overshadowed by young hotshots on the job. He began to ''self-medicate'' with cyberporn, often at work, which eased his stress. Then Craig got so hooked that he couldn't quit, further impairing his work performance.
Craig fought the problem but had several relapses. With Young's counseling, he came to see how he'd bought into his parents' view that sex was merely a duty to have kids. Craig resented his domineering mother and saw his dad as weak. He acted out female domination fantasies online. ''Cybersex helped him rebel against the religious messages of his youth'' and unleash leftover anger against women, Young says.
Surprisingly, Craig kept his marriage and job. First, he shared more of his needs and feelings with his wife, who turned out to be receptive. He also landed acting roles in community theater: He had always wanted to be an actor, but his parents objected. As Craig's needs were increasingly met in real life, he needed the cybersex life less and less.
Although partners seeking divorce increasingly mention cyber affairs as a problem, ''it's more of a symptom than the precipitating cause,'' says Lindsey Short Jr., president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. ''People with wonderful marriages just don't go home and troll around on the Net for sex,'' he says, conceding that ''if a problem does exist, it can be exacerbated by easy availability of partners online.''
And one can't assume men are the bawdy adventurers, he says. From the vantage point of his Houston law practice, wives engage in more online sexual activity than husbands.
''These women are bored and dissatisfied,'' Short says. Young thinks the sexes are about equally likely to become cyber-addicted. Men are more visual, seeking out pornography sites, and women more verbal, favoring sex-oriented chat rooms, she says.
Her book offers a seven-step plan for battling cybersex addiction. It guides readers through exploring the causes of addiction to practical ideas for curbing destructive behavior.
Counseling often is needed, she says. And some relationships can't be salvaged, usually those marred by terrible problems before a partner ventured online.
Adults fighting a cyber addiction ''need supportive people around them,'' Young says. ''That doesn't mean 'enablers' who make excuses for the addict, but loving spouses who want the marriage to survive and improve.''
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