Coping With Bereavement
February 29, 2008
"I felt absolutely stunned when I heard that he'd died. Then I just went
numb. Now I just can't stop wanting to find him - I feel so wretched."
Bereavement is the title of a new leaflet from the Royal College of
Psychiatrists' 'Help is at Hand' series.
It is for anyone who has been bereaved, their family and friends, and anyone who
wants to learn more about coping with this distressing but common experience.
Sooner or later most of us will suffer the death of someone we love, yet in our
everyday life we think and talk about death very little. Grieving is not just
one feeling, but a whole succession of feelings that take a while to get through
and can't be hurried.
A feeling of being stunned is usually followed by a sense of emotional numbness.
Soon this disappears, to be replaced by a dreadful sense of agitation, of pining
or yearning for the dead person.
Anger often follows, perhaps towards people who the bereaved person feels did
not prevent the death, or even towards the one who has, by dying, left them.
Another common feeling is guilt.
These states of agitation are usually strongest about 2 weeks after the death,
but are soon followed by times of quiet sadness or depression, withdrawal and
silence, reaching their peak between 4 and 6 weeks later. During this time the
bereaved person spends much time thinking about the person they have lost - an
essential part of coming to terms with the death.
For bereaved partners there are constant reminders of their new singleness, in
seeing other couples together, and media images of happy families. After some
time it is possible to feel whole again, although the sense of having lost a
part of oneself never goes away entirely.
These various stages of mourning often overlap, and show themselves in different
ways in different people. Most recover from a major bereavement in 1 or 2 years.
Children and young people grieve and feel distress when someone close dies, and
they should not be overlooked when a family is bereaved. Young people may not
speak of their feelings for fear of adding extra burdens to the grown-ups around
them.
People from different cultures deal with death in their own distinctive ways;
and in some communities death is seen as just one step in the continuous cycle
of life and death.
Bereavement makes suggestions about how friends and relatives can help, such as
spending time with the bereaved person, and allowing them to cry and talk about
their feelings. Anniversaries are particularly painful times, and friends and
relatives can make a special effort to be around.
Practical help with cleaning, shopping or looking after the children can ease
the burden of being alone. Elderly bereaved partners may need help with the
tasks that the other used to handle - coping with bills, cooking, getting the
car serviced and so on. The leaflet offers advice on helping someone whose grief
is unresolved, or who gets 'stuck' at one of the stages of grieving, or even
becomes so depressed that they contemplate suicide. Sometimes it may be
necessary to consult the doctor if serious depression or sleep problems arise.
The leaflet also lists sources of support and advice and recommends some helpful
books to read, as well as an audiotape.
Bereavement is available free with a stamped addressed envelope from the Royal
College of Psychiatrists, 17 Belgrave Square, London SW1X 8PG. It can also, with
a wide range of other materials, be downloaded from their website http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk
Royal College
of Psychiatrists
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