Breast cancer patients need friends who listen

HOUSTON - (Oct. 10, 2001) - Women with breast cancer often discover that what they need most is difficult to find shortly after diagnosis - friends who will listen.

"Sometimes, it's a case of friends not knowing what to say," said Dr. Lois Friedman, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. "Rather than risk saying the wrong thing, they stop calling at all."

Friends also may offer unsolicited advice or insist that the patient keep a positive attitude.

"Breast cancer presents many challenges," she said. "Often, a woman's support system changes because the people around her are also frightened."

Friedman said that while many women are fortunate to have supportive friends who rally around them, others find themselves separated from what once was normal.

"It's not because people are being mean," she said. "They're frightened and they don't know what to say."

Friedman said the insistence on a positive attitude is not always good advice. "Although optimism is a useful coping strategy and very helpful in a variety of ways, first you need to grieve. Only by initially grieving can you then take on a more optimistic view," she said.

And, the shared stories of others' experiences with breast cancer should be shelved.

"Cancer stories are not typically helpful," Friedman said.

The most important thing a good friend can offer to a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient is to listen.

"You don't really have to say anything. Just be available and listen," she said. Friedman leads support groups for women with newly diagnosed breast cancer at the Breast Care Center at Baylor College of Medicine and The Methodist Hospital.

"It's helpful for women to be with others who have the same concerns," she said. "Some women are afraid they'll hear a lot of frightening things in these sessions but that's not what it's about. It's about learning ways of coping."

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